The Robbery Countdown

Thriller Stories | Sep 15, 2011 | 2 min read
176 Votes, average: 4 out of 5
Thriller Stories

The Robbery Countdown

10 minutes.  Steve and Eddie had been inside the liquor store for ten minutes already.  Donny yanked his sleeve back down over his watch and angrily lit another cigarette.   Damn, he thought.  They said they'd be done way before now.  It was supposed to be easy.

9 hours ago they'd been drinking at Cal's Bar talking about how much money they'd make.  Steve was hot on the idea.  Come on, you guys, he said.  It'll be easy pickings.  Plus, I overheard that guy from the Asian gang talking about how much Mr. Wong keeps in the register.  Donny didn't like the idea. That place is creepy, he said.  Don't be a wuss, said Eddie.  I'll be packing if things get weird.  He patted his belt with a smile.

8'oclock was the stick-up time they chose.  Most likely the after-work crowd would be gone, having stopped for their cartons of milk or cigarettes, and the going-out crowd wouldn't have arrived yet for their slim-jims and six-packs.  It was supposed to be a perfect time.

7 times they'd gone over the plan.  Steve would enter and head to the back of the store and Eddie would go straight to the cash register.  Donny would drive the car.  It was supposed to be a fool-proof plan.

6 bullets are what Donny watched Eddie load into the Saturday Night special he got from his older brother's closet.  Eddie's older brother was already in jail and Donny was fairly sure Eddie would be there soon enough.

5 cigarettes were left in the pack.  If they don't hurry up, thought Donny, I'll smoke them all before they get back.  He took one out and threw the pack on the dashboard.  What was taking them so long, he wondered.  He got out of the car to investigate.

4 feet inside the door, he knew what was taking them so long.  They were dead.  Steve's beaten and bloody head was just rolling to a stop at his feet when he walked in.  Stifling the urge the vomit, he stepped aside and nearly tripped over another headless body.  Gorge still rising, he realized it wasn't Steve's.  It was Eddie's.  Dear Jesus, what happened here?

3 knocking sounds came from behind the register.  Instinctively, Donny knew that whatever was behind the counter was coming for him.  He turned to run, but it was too late.  The thing struck, all teeth and talons, and tore him to shreds, the same way it had Steve and Eddie.  The thing finished devouring his prey and slunk back behind the counter.

2 Asian men crept in cautiously from the back.  They had mops and buckets and a large tarp.  Christ, said one to another, this is getting worse each time.  Yeah, the other replied, but the sacrifice must be made.  Better them than us.  Not our fault the stupid store is cursed.  My grandfather says we have to keep the ancient spirit happy.  Now hurry up and clean the store.  We still have to get rid of their ride.

1 hour later, a car was reported burning on the other side of town.  Two bodies were found inside, burned nearly unrecognizable.  No identification could be made.  They were headless.  On the same night, Mr. Wong reported a robbery of his liquor store.  The reports were considered unrelated.

0 suspects have been identified in the robbery.

 

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Reviews

André Mar 30, 2012

This is an excellent story. I like the style in which it is written with the numbers. Gives a certain edginess to it...

Jack Kraven Nov 22, 2011

samantha, I read your story and must say, it is the first one I have read all the way through here. For me, your story moved right along without an excess of unnecessary ideas. Your opening is what caught and kept my attention. For me you did not need to

Maureen Sep 29, 2011

Wow!! That was unique and amazing!!

Samantha Combs Sep 23, 2011

Hey kids. I published a new story. Let's see how you like this one. It's called "Rock and Roll All Night." Hope you like it.

Samantha Combs Sep 21, 2011

Thanks for the comments. I'm particularly surprised by the number of views...249, is that a record? I might have to submit again and see if I'm a fluke!

James Sep 20, 2011

loved the number based theme..good work

Anikhet Sep 19, 2011

bloody hell store..

Geeta Sep 19, 2011

would love to read another concept story from you... tick tick 1.. tick tick 2...

Kevin E Lake Sep 18, 2011

this was a good little story and I've never seen one done like that before, with the numbers. Keep up the good work writer!

Kevin E Lake Sep 18, 2011

makes me want to do it with the alphabet

Jagrit Sep 16, 2011

different way of writing a story... but could have been better in the end... may be you ended the story too quickly...

Amit Sep 16, 2011

I love this story it sounds fun

Doug Lamoreux Sep 16, 2011

Half the horror is the laugh at the end. Thanks for both.

Jagrit Sep 16, 2011

Yeah I know.. number was a big restriction with which you were playing... :) but nice try... will wit for another one from you..

Samantha Combs Sep 16, 2011

To Jagrit: I ran out of numbers.

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